Home Thoughts From Dubai - You get the truth, in a way that nobody else gets it.
Tip when visiting/moving to Dubai:
Current hotel prices in Dubai risk destroying the Dubai story. In the less rich world Dubai is now becoming too expensive for most. And Dubai has too many hotels.
Reflections from the week:
And so it happened. Last night. The lead up covered by all the major TV channels worldwide. A party to beat all parties. Euro 40,000,000 (I hope I got the number of zero’s right !!) spent on a party to rival anything that has previously entertained the inhabitants of this planet. Olympic Games opening/closing ceremonies. St Patricks Day parades. New Years Eve. Anything. And there was obviously Olympic style security as some of the worlds more ‘oversized’ athletes from the entertainment, sports and business world made their way to the Capital of the World. Dubai. And the Euro’s started to ‘burn’ as each famous name was assigned one of the exclusive suites in the ‘Party Hotel. Yes the ‘official’ opening of the Atlantis Hotel on Palm Jumeirah. Thursday November 20th 2008. Kylie entertained to a full house. And it was a reasonably impressive list. Jade Jagger, Richard Branson, Quincy Jones, Natalie Imbruglia, Yasmin Le Bon, Lindsey Lohan, the President of Djubiti, Michael Jordan, Philip Green, Janet Jackson, Shirley Bassey, Ben Affleck and heaps more. Names from the Indian and Russian world. Names that mean something to the accountant in the Sol Kerzner (proud owner of the Atlantis Hotels) empire. Everybody special – in a financial sense. There was however one problem. The ‘guest list’, which found its way to ‘my desk’ had all the details that you would have expected to be in the hands of just a few – at the very highest level in the Hotel. Not only could you find out who was there, but this list gave details of in which room they were staying (and the ‘status’ assigned to them). Yeah great stuff. Now if only I could get into the hotel to get to room 417 !!! What we were NOT told in advance was the truly spectacular nature of the evening. A real credit to the organisers. And what a spectacular fireworks display. US$ 10,000,000 (from the Euro 40m) used to light-up the Dubai sky. A Synchronisation that went perfectly. Well at least to my eyes. And an event that put Dubai, and its appeal, back on the map. Truly the best event that I have ever ‘attended’ or ‘gate-crashed’. Well done Sheikh Mohammad and of course Sol.
There was a greater significantly greater level of secrecy for those attending a party just across the Bay. People chosen not because of their bank account or the number of times they have been on TV or in the newspaper. Just REAL people. Marina Terrace (apartment 264) hosted this more discrete event. A carefully chosen group of 20 ‘anonymous’ superstars watched from the 26th floor balcony of this iconic tower on Dubai Marina. They toasted and enjoyed the party – appreciating that they were part of a much more select group. Now all we have to do is wait, next week, for the arrival of the QE2. But this piece of ‘rusted steel’ will not add the same value to the prestigious Palm Jumeirah. The ‘boat’ is 41 years old and cost $ 37 million to build. Weren’t things cheap in those days !! In 41 years it has travelled 5.5 million miles. It is nearly three times taller than the Eiffel Tower, but in Dubai it will be dwarfed by Burj Dubai (the worlds tallest building). Burj Dubai will be four times ‘taller’.
Anyhow enough of this party fever. The world is not in that mood at the moment. And don’t expect another economic lecture from me this week. I am not going to listen to ANYBODY in the UK or Ireland or Australia ANYMORE. Well at least until you break out of your ‘self pity’ mode. Get out there and ‘make a difference’. There ARE solutions. And you can be part of them. In Dubai I wish Sheikh Mohammed had included some people with international banking experience in the team that is currently charged with producing some solutions/recommendations for His Highness. It would also be wise to have some non-Arabs on the team. Dubai (and Abu Dhabi) now have the chance to make the Region ‘The Centre of the World’. With nothing happening in any other part of the world, at least the UAE can point to a positive outlook. It DOES however require some decisions that may conflict with ‘local thinking’. But there will NEVER be a better opportunity for the Region to capitalise on the pains in the rest of the world. But we do need to make this Region more appealing to this possible immigrants. We need to tackle inflation, the banking system and government processing inefficiencies. But given that I am not part of the thinking, I guess the opportunity will die. I mean if the Irish Government were not prepared to listen to my suggestions, why should Sheikh Mohammed.
Now a different type of health. Who has the best healthcare system in Europe ? Well done, Holland. But did you know that Estonia ranks ahead of the UK. And Ireland is two points lower down. The worst ? Well apparently Latvia. Strange most Latvians I have met looked healthy. But then they tended to be long legged good looking blondes with perfect smiles. Its the short fat bald guys that are with them, that need the ‘health treatment’ !!! The UK Education System also seems to be short-changing its people. One in five parents in the UK think that feeding their children Jaffa Cakes, chips and Cola, satisfies the recommended daily intake of fruit and veg. And that is probably why the Health System is over-stretched. Divorce is the Irish disease at the moment. And no health or education system can help. It appears that there is a clear correlation between a ‘husbands bank account’ and Love. And many loving wives are finding it difficult to ‘adjust’ to a more Spartan living. But this is Real Life divorce.
You may remember me drawing you attention two years ago to an internet site known as ‘Second Life’. It allowed you ‘build’ a person that you always wanted to be. A sports star, an entertainer, an oil tycoon etc. Well its seems that ‘this world’ now has a population of 15 million people from around the world. Nearly four times the population of Ireland. And new ‘residents’ are growing at 7,000 per day. All capable of ‘inter-acting’ with each other. And this week, there was the first virtual or reality divorce. An expensive affair. Eighty million of Second Life $’s. She was upset by her husband not being ‘online’ enough. What is the ‘world’ coming to.
A Real Life divorce that also hit the newspapers this week was that of Bernie Ecclestone. His stunning leggy Eastern European wife, Slavica, has decided that she can no longer tolerate the 28 year age gap. She is the younger. What she ever saw in him is beyond me. I have NEVER seen such an ugly small skin-infected dwarf. How did he do it ?? Oh did I forget the word ‘billionaire’. Yeah ugly, small, skin-infected billionaire dwarf. Now I understand why she was with him. AND why she is leaving !!
Now this week I will have to leave you early. The Atlantis Party has taken its price on my eyes and brain. So lets wrap-up with some ‘quickies’ David Beckham has put his Palm Jumeirah villa up for sale. Surely the global recession has not hit him as well !! The Dubai Stock Market had a ‘better’ week. But then when the previous week saw Dirham 100 billion wiped off share values, ‘better’ is relative. Sean Dunne is about to finally ‘walk away’ from Ulster Bank – subsidiary of Royal Bank of Scotland where the new Chief Executive wants ‘all the sh*t taken off the balance sheet’. Sorry Sean. Now YOUR bank is leaving you. I must give you the URL for Second Life. But don’t worry you will not be alone. Some other ‘friends’ or should I say other property animals, are going to be a bit ‘short’ for Christmas presents this year. One person whose popularity is on the increase is Gordon Brown. And you thought only shares and currencies worked in strange ways.
And the London Times this week had a picture on page 17 of three very strange looking guys. Their naked chests were tattooed with revolvers and guns. The looked like they could do with a month in the gym. Their faces were unfriendly and brutal. Their eyes full of hatred. Just a general demeanour of cruelty and murder. You know the type that look like they did NOT have mothers !! What Eastern European country were they from I puzzled before going on to read the article. And then the way the world has once again changed hit me straight in the mouth. These brutes were from Limerick. Yes the one in Ireland. Now I must take a note not to visit Robbie Mc if he invites me to his home for Christmas.
Finally Dubai hotel room rates will have to fall if they are to fill the many new hotels that will sprout over the next two years. Also no point in having two airports that have a combined annual capacity of 200 million, if nobody wants to ‘visit’. I think prices will eventually fall to AED 1,000 per night – for some of the better hotels.
Finally finally do you know what Cane-Toads are ? Well apparently Australia has some. Well too many. No, a plague of Cane Toads. They multiply faster than scientists can discover killer insecticides. You might say nature can be cruel. They were ‘imported’ into Australia, by the Australian Government, to kill the Cane Beatles. Well at least THAT problem is solved !!!
Property corner:
The property world will be an ugly sector for the next 5 years. NOT in the UAE but in virtually every other location in the world. It will be a long and painful road. But property is, and will be again, one of the only truly wealth creative assets in which virtually every person on the planet participates or has ‘an involvement’. The current ‘wealth meltdown’ will only reverse when textbook economics and demographics correct in each country around the world. The UAE still has fundamentally strong metrics. And the Jebel Ali Palm provides each of you with a real chance of getting ahead of the game in rebuilding your wealth. It truly represents stunning value. Although my Jebel Ali Fund is now closed, I would be happy to create another one at any stage, if I receive enough interest. We will look back at this investment opportunity and either smile or regret the decision we made. There will NOT be a greater investment coming across your desk – anywhere in the world.
Pig Corner:
I will give the ‘assaulted’ Investor and Estate Agency families a week off. Too many things to do today. I do however have to say that I have never seen so many people looking to ‘leave the farm’. But nobody wants ‘the stock’. This current experience will turn even the Christian world against Pork products.
Fun corner:
Have you ever wondered ………………..
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer ?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
And did you ever stop and wonder……
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.”
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
(This one kills me!!!!) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window and loves it?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’ Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. ……..
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. NOW when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Full O. Schitt
If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently from ours, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - They don’t expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend…but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic said, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 2
5 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of thebread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 - I intend to live forever… so far, so good.
Some old ones…..
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went to play golf.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ “Can you read this?” the optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
Currency corner:
Don’t try to work out the currencies at the moment. As I have said many times there is NO logic to which way they trend. The US$ did take a turn downwards on Tuesday only to, unexpectedly, turn the other direction on Thursday. Yeah bad payroll numbers. And the currency appreciates. Yeah that is why so many currency dealers have to stay ‘in employment’. If the currency-world was predictable these guys would be in retirement from a very early age. At least our prediction that Sterling was probably oversold, turned out correct. But the world economies are so weak at the moment that you can expect daily movements that reflect the latest piece of economic data. Another ‘nothing’ meeting of the G20 added to the confusion. Interest rate movements over the next two weeks are likely to join the list of ineffective tools that will achieve nothing. We are all in great danger of falling into the ‘Japanese disease’ – Depression.
Equity corner:
How do you say’what the fu*k is happening’. Another turbulent week. Many of the worlds indices falling by 10% over just two days. Frightening. No terrifying. The current trend lines on global bourses could be taken as a proxy for ‘global confidence’ and ‘global wealth’ . The world will NEVER start the path of wealth recovery until we have some ‘foundation level’ to the global equity markets. And at the moment many of the powerful fund/pension/hedge managers seem unconcerned with the way they are destroying YOUR pension funds. The action over the final 60 minutes of the Dow on Wednesday and Thursday highlights just how value fundamentals are ‘museum economics’. The indices are just a ‘toy’ to these guys. A disgrace. And so you and I have NO chance of picking winners in this environment. I do however suggest that you buy some BP this morning. If they are below 4.55. And I am confident you will make up to 5% over the first few days of next week.