Home Thoughts from Dubai : You get the truth, in a way that nobody else gets it.
Tip when visiting/moving to Dubai:
Don;t ever report a crime to the Police when you have consumed alcohol. You will end up in jail even if you are the victim ….. strange but true….
Reflections from the week:
Sorry about last week’s service. A vicious callous attack on YOUR weekly entertainment rights. A cyber-assault. We were painfully ‘hacked’. Who could possibly feel the need to attack such a harmless but valuable information source ? Well I am sure you, like me, will have your suspicions. On my list are the ‘obvious’. - the CIA, the Iranian Secret Service, the Bank of England, and Brian Cowan. All of them on the official ‘Suspect List’. I did not realise that I had become such an aggravating thorn. So bad that they felt they needed to ‘close me down’. My response or feelings to this ‘invasion of my space’ travelled from disappointment that you were denied direct access (including about 2,000 people who don’t get weekly reminders from me), then frustration with ‘how to fix’ the problem and finally I was overtaken by pride that somebody out there considers my weekly writings to be unacceptably challenging and needed to be ‘closed’. So whoever you are. WE are back live. With stronger ‘protection codes’.
Another attack this week involved a Civil Servant in the UK being prosecuted under British obscene publication laws. The case is being billed as having a more profound impact on British obscenity laws than the publication in 1960 of Lady Chatterleys Lover. Virtually all cases that have fallen foul of the laws since this famous book, have been of a ‘visual’ nature and not scripting. But not this time. So this overweight balding civil servant is now the subject of a case that may change the British legal system. So what has he done wrong. Well HE published a 12 page blog on what he would like to do to the members of the UK female pop group, Girls Aloud. Yeah like so many true-blooded lager-bellied Brits he ‘had some bad thoughts’ of these size 10 stunners. So is this poor guy to be guillotined just because he committed his thoughts to print. Surely we can be fairer than to humiliate a hard working conscientious public servant in this way. Men will be men. But as I got to paragraph four of the article I suddenly found myself wondering why the obscenity laws were used at all. Surely there is a stronger law that could put this despicable creepy man away for a long long time. Because instead of wanting these girls in the ‘normal’ way, his 12 pages on the internet describe in lurid graphic detail how he wanted to kidnap, rape, mutilate and then murder each of the girls – one by one. Wow !! I know there music is not great, but its not THAT bad. Is it ? I wonder which Department of the Civil Service he worked in. Probably the Revenue Commissioners. They are the only one’s who could be that ‘strange’ and brutal.
One uplifting moment during the week was press suggestion that my football team, Everton, could be bought by one of the rich Middle Eastern Wealth Funds. What a relief, after a start to the season that would be as embarrassing as the priest taking his clothes off at Sunday church, maybe some heavenly intervention and compassion. Now while such a story would obviously give me some relief from the on-the-field-torture, I remain baffled as to why ANYBODY and particularly ‘Wealth Funds’ have such a killing desire to waste money in such a reckless way. Like the saying goes, ‘how do you become a millionaire’ ? Well you start off as a billionaire and then buy a football team. Now I must send any new owner a ‘new player wish list’.
On the subject of football did any of you see, or should I say hear, the inaugural press conference given by Newcastle United’s new team manager. Well he might see himself in court with our friend from the Revenue Commissioners. During a 36 minute Press Conference, Mr Joseph Kinnear (do you remember his Wimbledon Crazy Gang) started by asking two press reporters to identify themselves. He then proceeded to use the ‘F’ and ‘C’ words on no less than 67 occasions. Well he wanted to explain his anger (or should that read fury) for what they had written about him the previous day. And there is no more powerful words to explain the condition of extreme fur. And so Simon Bird from the Mirror and Niall Hickman from the Express were told to ‘F off’, that they were ‘F-er’s’, that they had no ‘F’n’ clue about football etc. And so an astonished audience of press-corp frantically scribbled this interesting exchange, while Mr Kinnear set the basis of his intended relationship with the people who write the stories in our daily newspapers. In my world this is probably not the cleverest group of people to upset. But obviously Joe believes the risks of upsetting them, has compensations. I am not so sure, Joe.
Other people who feel a little embarrassed this week are the number of financial experts around the world who have predicted the end of the global financial crisis. Yours truly, included. But despite the jaw-dropping and stomach-churning gyrations of global equity markets, I do believe we are now at the bottom/worst. In a week that over $20 trillion was written off peoples wealth, it is hard to gain a ‘buying confidence’. What is going to trigger a change in the current epidemic of fear and panic. In a world where nobody trusts their neighbour, money stops circulating and economies choke to a halt. And so expansion and growth plans of many corporate’s and individuals get ‘shelved’. This is a scary place to live. But I guess we have no option. I fear that this week one of Irelands banks will fail – despite the Irish government deposit guarantee. The Celtic Tiger is truly dead and its carcass needs to be buried. And the country needs a ‘new cub’ that can be nurtured into a ‘new animal’ of which the country can be proud. But I fear even the intervention of St Patrick would find a solution difficult. It is little comfort that the rest of the world is suffering the same terminal malaise.
Even the ‘cash heavy’ Middle East is now suffering. As local equity bourses collapse faster than the price of petrol, the Arab world is starting to hand in their Ferrari’s and going back to the camel. The Dubai Cityscape (annual property show) was unfortunately ‘launched’ this week. In a predictably Arab solution to what would obviously have been a ‘disastrous result’, the event organisers decided that NO DEVELOPER was permitted to sell any product at the show. Despite the enormous costs to Agents and Developers of having a stand at the show, they were ‘not permitted’ to sell anything. This ‘rule’ would at least preserve the blushes. If you cannot sell, you will not have to report that sales were non-existent and hence undermine Regional property markets. The newspaper headlines during the week however were full of ‘evidence’. With Regional stock markets in ‘freefall’, the wealth of those who would have fuelled the buying interest at Cityscape had vapourised. As I said earlier there is no place on the planet that is now a nice place to live.
I am under enormous time pressure this week ( a late night last evening) so I will ‘cut out’ early if you don’t mind. I will make it up to you next week. But I have lots of meetings today that will even prevent me from going to the beach. Yeah, not a nice place to live at all !!!
Finally the new visa laws in the UAE are poorly constructed. They just will/do NOT achieve their intended objectives. As a businessman (yes I think I qualify) the new laws destroy entrepreneurship and will cause companies and businesses not to want to set up in Dubai/UAE. It is one thing to wish to eliminate the black economy and illegal workers, but to destroy the ability of legitimate businesses to access labour, is self destructive. Unfortunately there is nobody in government that will want to take on the task of correcting an obvious legislative error. I do wish that Sheikh Mohammad could be made aware of the problem. He is the only Saviour in the neighbourhood.
Finally finally in these more impoverished times it is difficult to see where Dubai (Abu Dhabi is probably ok) will get the funding to meet the enormous infrastructure investment costs. Desalination and energy plants are expected to exceed $17 billion – on top of all the other projects. Real ‘rubix’ challenges.
Property corner:
I will be launching my new Fund this weekend. In an uncertain world, at least these products have some certainty and provide an attractive return over a 6 month period.
Pig Corner:
In a rush and there are TOO many to mention. So lets skip it this week. Cityscape could have been called the ‘Kennel Club’. More dogs than exist on the streets of Shanghai.
Fun corner:
For some of you I need to issue a health warning …… before you start reading this first section. The ‘jokes’ come from a friend of mine that has a very ‘dark’ view of life !!!
When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her. When I grew up, I realised that God didn’t work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
Q : What did the Catholic Church say was to blame for a recent rise in Paedophiles in the Priesthood? A : Sexy Kids
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby’s face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
Q : What’s long, hard and hurts gypsies. A : My Shovel.
I cant think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?” She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!” His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, “Christ!” he says “are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?” “No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”
Year 2 class comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: “What did you do at playtime?” Sarah says, “I played in the sand box.” The teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ’sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a chocolate Hobnob.” She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob. The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime. Michael says, “I played with Sarah in the sand box.” The teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘box’ correctly on the blackboard, I’ll give you a chocolate Hobnob.” Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at playtime. He says, “I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me.” The teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a chocolate Hobnob.”
What’s black and blue and doesn’t like sex. The little boy who lives under my stairs.
Wee Johnny bursts into his mum and dads bedroom only to see his dad giving his mum one His dad just laughs and says “Off you go Johnny” A little while later Johnnys dad heres a commotion coming from the wee mans bedroom He bursts in and is totally shocked to see Johnny shagging his gran. Johhny just looks up and says.. ” Not so f*ckin funny when its YOUR mum now is it dad. Is it ???”
Q : Whats the odd one out - monopoly, rape or incest? A: Monopoly? Wrong…… rape, its not a family game
Note: For those who don’t know, Jeremy Clarkson is a very irreverant and extremely popular chap who hosts a tv show called “Top Gear” where he and his two pals get to play in cars - literally - then talk about them. You don’t have to be a Top Gear fan either! “I’m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.”
“… the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany ”
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom”
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: “there is a word to describe this car: it begins with ’s’ and ends with ‘t’ and it isn’t soot
“The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”
“The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?”
“This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”
”I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
Clarkson’s highway code on cyclists: “Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.”
” Britain ’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don’t have wheel-chair access.”
On Mandela’s claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: “Well Mr Mandela why don’t you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?”
“Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show……so we’ll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!”
On the Lotus Elise: “This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.”
“Sure it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved…for a murderer.”
“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal’s duty to be on my plate at supper time.”
”There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face.”
“Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.”
“You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won’t go to Stringfellows tonight, I’ll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she’s a woman!”
”Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar… in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.”
On the Porsche Cayenne: “Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”
And now some harmless ones :
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Here is one many of you will have seen before but is a good one :
A farmer had a car accident with a lorry. In court, the lorry company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning the farmer. ‘Didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor. The farmer responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…’ ‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine? The farmer continued: ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..’ The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’ By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’. The farmer thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’ Now what the f**K would you say?
Currency corner:
An interesting week but I don’t have time to give you my views. Gotta dash. Will give you all my observations and predictions next week.
Equity corner:
In a week that we have just have, it is NOW time to buy. BP is my tip this week