Home Thoughts From Dubai

Tip when visiting/moving to Dubai:

For anyone visting the Middle East during the Holy Month of Ramadan, be respectful during this period

Tip when visiting/moving to Dubai:

So on a scale of 1 to 10 how did it feel ? Five weeks without a ‘stet scope’ on life in the UAE and the planet that provides you with daily oxygen. Well thankfully the ‘information oxygen’ is back. And what a difference 5 weeks can make. Who would have thought that so much could happen over such a short period. What did the names or words Sarah Palin, Michael Phelps, Gustav , South Ossetia mean just 33 days ago ? The US$/Euro was 1.5670. Here we have another Home Thoughts prediction comes through. The $ sprinted to life and is now a full 8% stronger. Sterling was 78.80 against the Euro. Again HT has warned about how overvalued this sick currency (and country) is. And this week the world currency markets gave its judgement of Gordon Brown’s incompetence. The currency fell 2% over four days. How justifiable but embarrassing. For a country and currency that was once the most powerful on the planet. Oil was surprisingly $132. It is now $ 25 – 19% - lower. Despite our friend Gustav. The Irish won three Olympic medals. At boxing. How strange. For a country so shy on aggression.

The Olympics started and finished with the Chinks winning the most Gold medals. On the subject of Medals, the Dubai Rose represented us wonderfully well in the Rose of Tralee competition. Unfairly ‘knocked’ into second place. At least that is the word I got from the judging panel !! Well done Emma. The previous most expensive price tag on a house across the world was Euro 150 million. That record is now lost. Think how the owner (the Mitel family from India) of the Kensington London house (or should that not read mansion) must feel. The ‘new bar’ makes their home sound like a ‘Wendy shed’. Some, unknown (well to us) Russian Oligarch has decided that a nice villa, with ‘some land’ and a ‘view’, in the South of France was worth Euro 500 million. No that is NOT a typo. This previously unheard of villa was worth, in the mind of this unknown buyer, THREE ‘Kensington houses’. Yes and you can have Euro 50 million over for ….. ‘renovations’ !!! . Daccord la plus chere maison dans tout le monde c’est en France. Vive la France. And Dubai’s ambition to achieve this prize, now looks impossible.

Yes an eventful 33 days. Bet the currency and commodities markets don’t want me taking any more holidays. Now my 5 weeks were not wasted. 30,000 miles of travel. Meeting in excess of 200 of you. Dozens of restaurants. Dozens multiplied by ‘many’ litres of wine. Calories that I am too embarrassed to mention. So some ‘torture’ over the next few weeks and I try to reverse my ‘sins’. Never had to hire a car in any of the many locations I visited. So thanks to all my ‘taxis’.

I had my first ‘perfect’ experience of Etihad. The Dublin/Dubai leg was an unexpected, but pleasant, shock. One that I would like to think will be repeated many times in the months ahead. But lets not get too hormonal, or excited – if that is a word that works better for you. Just as I was developing a pride in the Abu Dhabi Carrier and that it was starting to get it game together, I had the misfortune, well for Etihad, of being an Emirates passenger on the Dubai to Sydney leg of my journey. The gap between the two is galactic. Etihad, despite the progress, and very enormous purse, have a long road ahead. Well done Emirates. You do have to look at your pricing structure however. Very damaging on the bank account.

On the subject of expensive, the Chinese Olympics turned out to be the most expensive Games ever. $30 billion. Larger than the GDP of 39 of the 46 countries in Africa. The Olympics started in Beijing on the Chinese lucky date of 08/08/08 (and given the number of gold medals, it worked). But what are London, who are to host the next Olympics in 2012, to do. Surely there should be a ‘means testing’ of countries before they are given this global ‘honour’. And now it has passed from one of the most powerful countries in the world, to one whose economy is in the toilet. And heading towards the sewer. Anyhow a spectacular opening ceremony, which I skilfully avoided, was attended by 80 world leaders (Mugabe was thankfully not invited – by the very country that supplies him with the weaponry to kill and torture his poor people), was televised to 2 billion people across the world through 400 tv networks, there were 30,000 fireworks, 21,800torch bearers, 2,800 drummers and the entire opening day cost $60. And then there was the performance of Michael Phelps. EIGHT gold medals. But this man is a bit exceptional. With his arms stretched out, he is broader than he is tall. Yes it’s true.

But then the human body can be a strange ‘place’. Did you know that your teeth are the only part of the body that cannot ‘self repair’. It takes 72 different muscles to create human speech. One human brain creates more electrical impulses daily than created by the worlds entire telephone networks. I am uncertain if this is true in ‘some regions’ of the world !! Are you listening UAE ?? Your thighbone (even the pretty ones that support Michelle Pfeifer’s body) is stronger than concrete. Only 9% of the worlds humans are left handed – this is a fact that holds good across geography and culture. And there are many more gems of info that I could give you, but why make you more knowledgeable than me !!

And ‘strange’ seems to be a good sequoia to the American Presidential Elections. At least the HT candidate had a wonderful Democratic acceptance convention. And what a well staged event. Pure class. With great examples of oratory and theatre. As only the Americans do it. A stadium with 75,000 Yankee Doodles carefully and skilfully ‘primed’ for the crescendo speech from their future President. But the ‘supporting cast’ was also mind-blowingly impressive – particularly former president Bill Clinton. He now seems to have fully patched up the ‘cigar moment’ with his wife Hilary. Close, supportive, united and in love would not be an exaggerated conclusion. While I still believe ‘our candidate’ (Barack Obama for those of you who struggle to ‘fill in the blanks’ that I use as part of my writing style. I like to believe my reading audience has at least been to school), will meet some misfortune before the finish line in November, he is a class act. And with the ‘Clinton House’ behind him, he should, assuming my other prediction is wrong, be popping champagne for Thanksgiving.

But let’s go back to ‘strange’ for a moment. This is certainly something that seems to have infected the Republican camp where the increasingly boring, and physically fading, John McCain is still pushing his Zimmer-frame credentials. Being a Vietnamese POW hardly qualifies you to be president of the USA. Although on reflection maybe they would make a better ‘candidate pool’ !! But his poor judgement has been badly exposed by his choice of a virtually unknown woman from Alaska, where she is governor of a village of 6,000 inhabitants. She, at 44, got her first passport last year. A ‘real woman of the world’ !!! She probably would have sent the National Guard to ‘the South’ to protect the (US State of) Georgia from the Russian invasion !! A bit scary as to how her experience would work to America’s and the Worlds advantage if John McCain found himself hospitalised (he is 73 and crawls on stage a little faster than a snail) and there was some serious international event or incident that required ‘management’. ‘Well shucks folks, I is a gal with heaps of wots needed. I was a beauty queen (admittedly from a limited talent pool), a singer, a mother with 5 children (one of whom does not believe marriage and pregnancy need live in the same house) and have brought some large companies to account for some of their indiscretions’. She is a person with inflexible views on abortion, gun control and healthcare. All sensitive issues in the US. And in many cases she is the wrong side of ‘female’. And as for those early-year nude photo’s. Well maybe the White House could be renamed the ‘Bunny House’ !! Not in all my management/business years have I come across a more obvious candidate for a job !! She certainly wins the prize for the candidate with the greatest number of personal, private and professional issues. But maybe that innocent (apart from the nude photo’s) doll-like face will win over an American population where Jerry Springer regularly commands tv audience numbers in excess of 15 million. Now call me naive, but are these not the stories that the US paparazzi love. Give this nauseating ‘pumped up Barbie’ what she deserves. An interesting 70 days ahead.

And on the subject of countries tortured by their political guardians. Spare a thought for Ireland. Once the envy of Europe, if not the world. Now an economy with less strength than exists in John McCain’s 73 year old legs. But things could get worse. And maybe John McCain is the best choice for Ireland. If Barack does become president Ireland could lose significant, and economically critical, American investment. The stated tax-intention of a Democrat President is to neutralise any overseas tax benefits currently enjoyed by American companies in tax shelter zones such are the Shamrock Republic. While this fear has existed through many previous Presidential Administrations, I believe this could be the ‘dark moment’. As if poor Ireland did not need further nails in its coffin. But don’t despair. Maybe there will be an oil find off the West Coast.

As the wealth and wealthy of Ireland evaporate like steam from the kettle, some overseas companies have already found the steam too hot. Our great ‘friends’ in Damac have decided to gracefully (see I can be nice when I want to be) close its Irish operations. Just 6 months after its characteristically expensive Valentines Day launch. At least the Irish have shown, maybe with some prompting from Home Thoughts, university-level shrewdness by shunning this overpriced and financially unstable UAE Property Developer. Rumour has it that Damac sold less than one unit per month during it time in Ireland. Are the Irish bankrupt or clever? Does not matter. They have been saved further financial pain. Well except for the 6 people who bought a Damac property. I feel patriotically compelled to refrain from any more ‘Ireland-bashing’ but I do briefly have to mention the weather.

More rain fell in August (yes it is a Summer month there) than fell in any full year since the 1993. And I was there for 19 days of it. It was like a very large shower-head sitting over the country, and somebody went to the shop and left the ‘pressure’ on full. And this person is still shopping. I was also reminded of my hatred of wasps. And I am a bit confused as to how they survived the August rains. But one did find its way into my bed (not sure if it was male or female). Its final act on the planet was reminding me what wasps do for a living.

But there were some redeeming points from my Irish visit. Despite the ‘meltdown’, there is no nation of people who can still eat, drink and celebrate like the Irish. A Phd in fun. Everybody. And then there was the ‘serene’ driving habits. A real pleasure to be driving on the roads. Water is, obviously, not rationed and you can drink it from the tap. And Roly’s (best bistro in Europe) is still ‘to die for’.

While the Chinese believed 08/08/08 was their lucky date, Dubai has chosen 09/09/09 as the date for the official opening of the new 59 kilometer ‘man-less’ Metro public transport system. The red-line. Fingers crossed that it becomes a financial success. Although given the cost of cars, and petrol, and the Regional populations love-affair with cars, it is hard to see adequate investment pay-back.

The QE2 arrives next month and rumour has it will ‘anchor’ on the Eastern Trunk. Wonder what that will do to prices of property on that side of the Palm. It is a fairly large ‘rust-bucket’. Some other ‘action’ while I was away saw some high profile arrests in some of the UAE’s leading property development companies. The practice of ‘back-handers’ has been as common here as rain is during an Irish Summer. But thankfully a strong message has been sent to all those who feel corruption pays. Not to say that the practice is dead, but the ‘pitch’ is now more even. You could even spend as much time in prison as somebody caught drinking and driving !! Now I know that many of you are too busy to find time to send congratulatory emails. I mean implicit in your support of my funds and reading HT is an appreciation of the intellectual and skilful tipping content of this weekly communiqué. So I won’t ask how many of you have benefitted from Home Thoughts prediction that the US$ was about experience a ‘bounce’. When most ‘experts’ were predicting a Euro/$ of 1.65, many of you stuck with me and are now being rewarded. While I never expected a near 9% strengthening over just 40 days, it was well overdue. To put some ‘tangibility’ to this move, every AED 1 million held in UAE assets is now worth nearly AED 90,000 (Euro 17k) more. I do, however, think we are hitting , at 1.4250, the short term top.

Finally Pigs DO fly. The outrageous CAN happen. DUMB is alive and well. It looks like the number of inhabitants in Dumb Camp has grown. Manchester City being bought by the Al Fahim family in Abu Dhabi. Surely the most stupid transaction of 2008. Or of the century. I am so confused that maybe there are no English to describe this level of insanity Finally finally the worlds best hotel. Scheduled to open later this month, suffered a major setback on Tuesday. A fire . What a real shame. But , in typical John Wayne style fighting , the Atlantis owner, Sol Kertzner, has vowed to open, as planned on September 24th. One side-story is unlikely to be covered by local press. Would the fire damage have been as bad, if the fire engines had arrived in ‘more efficient’ time ? Should there be an ‘emergency track’ on the Palm roads. A place where fire engines are not slowed down by the numerous ‘traffic calmers’. It was also slightly unfortunate that Ramadan may have meant that the fire-stations were not ‘fully populated’ at such an early hour of the morning. But who is going to raise such issues. Lets just get on with the opening.

Property corner:

I will need some time back before getting into the dangerous area of investment predictions. I am, as mentioned prior to heading on leave, becoming increasingly negative on the property market in Dubai and all the UAE with the exception of Abu Dhabi. I am likely to have just ONE more Fund before bringing this phase of my time in Dubai to a close. This is likely to be a mid October launch. But apart from that, where the market risk will be passed to a third party, I will find it difficult to source or identify good quality investment options where there are good doubl e digit returns over the short term.

Pig Corner:

I have become increasingly concerned about the future direction of property prices in the UAE. This week I saw another ‘alert signal’. A sale advert ‘at lower than the pre-launch’ price. Wow is that where we currently are. Yes priced BELOW pre-launch price (you know the one that is supposed to give you an ‘immediate profit’) ‘to achieve a quick sale’. This is the blood letting investment rubbish I talk about. And the ‘investment’ in question is a DAMAC property. The pre-launch ‘give-away’ price was AED 5,200 per sq ft. Now even at AED 3,500 per sq ft, I reckon this one is robbery. But there will be, and in many cases already are, increasing evidence of distress in the local property market.

Fun corner:

Pat and Mick walking down a street in London and Pat happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said ‘Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair’. Pat says to his pal, ‘Mick, will you look at dat! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and den when we get back home, we could make a fekin fortune.”… “Now, when we go in de shop, you shut de fek up, roight? Just let me do de talking ’cause if dey hear yer accent, dey might not be noice den try to get one over on us. I’ll be usin’ me best English accent so I will.’ ‘Roight y’are, Pat, I’ll keep me moot shot, so I will.’ Says Mick. In they go. Paddy, nonchalantly leaning on the counter and in his best English accent, says, ‘Good day to you my good man. I’ll take 50 of those suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll get my chap here to reverse the vehicle up to the door to load it in and ……’ The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from Ireland, aren’t you?’ ‘Well…yes,’ says a surprised Pat, embarrassed about being rumbled and dropping his phony English accent. ‘How de hell d’ye’ know dat ?’ The owner politely replies ‘because this is a Dry Cleaners’

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, ‘Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?’ Martha replied, ‘Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, ‘I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’ Martha said, ‘The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?’ Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, ‘I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?’ Martha said, ‘Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.’ ‘I recall that,’ said Henry. ‘And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.’ ‘Alright,’ Martha said. ‘So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?’

Some examples of Australian humour. From phone-ins to the Australian Tourism help desk.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A:Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK) A:What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)

A:A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA) A:Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA)

A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is … oh forget it. Sure, the ViennaBoys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK) A:You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australiain 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

A little boy was overheard praying: ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.’

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you two.’

One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because people are sleeping.’

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson, ‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘Ryan, you be Jesus!’

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. ‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked. ‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘Did God throw him back down?

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘Would you like to say the blessing?’ ‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied. ‘Just say what you hear Mummy say,’ the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, ‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’

BE VERY QUIET ……

Father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, ‘Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.’ A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. ‘What’s wrong?’ the father asked, ‘I told you to be quiet.’ The boy, bless his heart, answered, ‘Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pants legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ Well, I guess I just panicked’

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?

Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.

Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. . .

Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence.)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don’t know.

White: I’ll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re . .?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What’s the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM

Bristol Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM

Ireland Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners:

Last Of The. .? Caller: Mohicans.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I’m sorry; I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)

Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. . . Presenter: He makes bread. . .

Contestant: Err… Presenter: He makes cakes. .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er .. . . Mexico?

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVE TIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ‘j’ is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm… Presenter: Well, let’s put it this way - he didn’t see 1964.

Contestant: 1965

THE GOOD TOWELS ..ahhhhh…the joys of having girls…

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ‘towels’ in the bathroom cabinet. Didn’t they belong in the airing cupboard? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months…. It’s my mother s birthday, and my parents are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mum had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mum, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a special occasion Kotex towel at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn’t hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. ‘But, Mum, you said they were for special occasions!!!’

PRIZE WINNING

John the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters whose job it was to fertilise the eggs (for you town people). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Kent County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result… the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention!!

Bubbles and Barbie

Two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, “Do you think we’re out far enough Barbie?” Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “nope, not yet Bubbles”. So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.”. So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. “Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?” “Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.”

Currency corner:

I am running out of time. So lets just call the recent strength of the $ is at the top. Sell the currency at 1.42 against the Euro. Sterling still has some downside. Expect to see 82 against sterling. The Aussie ? Well I think its strength has come to an end, with the top of the commodities market.

Equity corner:

Again I need to be quick. As I have warned many times, we are in for a turbulant year end. Too many of the worlds economies are in recession (or borderline) and economic growth will be almost impossible. That leaves stagflation as a very real risk. Equities will NOT perform well in that environment. You also need to be prepared for disappointments in corporate earnings. So beware. I do think, however, that HBOS at Sterling 2.70 are a buy. From my trip to Australia, I think the sale of the Australian unit is a done deal.